just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
