plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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