Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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