I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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