Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
