You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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