I like to think it a success when the cops are called
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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