When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
