How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
