I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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