oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
