my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
