News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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