complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I have fence marks all over my body
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
