i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
