Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i've created a new STD.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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