i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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