I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
