The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
