i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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