I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
