she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
