You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
