Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
