you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
