she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
