Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
