I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
