You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
