Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
