I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
