she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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