i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
