Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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