yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Vodka?
Forever.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
