Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
