Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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