u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
