were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
