Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
