i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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