you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
