nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
