i need an iv and a liver transplant
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
