If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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