You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
he shaved USA in his pubs
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
