you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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