I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
