Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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