ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
